Who knew Oscar-winner Warren Beatty was a relationship sage? After years of being a confirmed bachelor, everyone wanted to know what made him put a ring on the gorgeous Annette Bening. His answer: “She has an amazing capacity for happiness.”
Just take a second and let that one sink in. An amazing capacity for happiness. That means the lovely Annette isn’t just a happy, bright spirit; she lives happiness, expresses it, shares it, and by virtue of her happy ways likely makes everyone around her happy as well. She and Beatty have been married since 1992 and have four children, so they’re doing something right.
But let’s get back to that quote. “She has an amazing capacity for happiness.” Which begs the question…what’s your capacity for happiness? How easy is it for you to shrug off a sour moment, a cutting remark from some negative person, the downward pull of a gloomy day, a low bank account, piles of work on your desk? If you have a high capacity for happiness, you’re able to bounce right out of the doldrums, after wisely meditating on what that negative blip in your day has to teach you.
It just doesn’t feel natural, right, or good for you to wrap yourself in a blanket of misery, and call each of your friends to whine, moan, complain and catastrophize. We all know that person, the one with the amazing capacity for misery. What is that person getting out of his or her negativity? Attention? Sympathy? Hearing the sound of their own voice as they bemoan their horrible existence?
No one wants to be that person, nor spend a lot of time with someone who is that miserable, indulging in it.
So if you’re single and looking for love, or if you’re in a new or long-term relationship, get out your journal and assess your own capacity for happiness. Because it’s one of the best things you can bring into a partnership.
It’s actually quite a revealing exercise. Just look back at all of your Facebook posts for the past year, and count up your happy posts vs. your negative posts. Look through your journal and see if you spend a lot of time wrapped up in the misery blanket, or if you have that Bening-esque ability to see the beauty in each day. Are you forgetting to be happy? Are you just out of practice?
Science has long tried to put formulas on happiness, with one study saying that 40% to 50% of a person’s capacity for happiness is genetic. That may be true, since brain chemistry does factor into a person’s ability to see the bright side…and depression and clinical anxiety will cloud your happiness recognition (so see a doctor if you’re not just out of happiness practice.) But think about this…you’re born without knowing you need to brush your teeth every day, but here you are now as an adult, brushing your teeth every day. It’s just something you know you need to do, so you do it. The same can be done for your happiness practice.
At the start of this new year, as a gift to yourself and to your partner if you’ve got one, up your happiness capacity, and watch how joyful your relationship and your life will become. Here are some steps to try, and start small with just a few so that you don’t overwhelm yourself with too big a change. You’re easing into your happiness capacity, so that it can take root and grow:
- Start a gratitude journal and begin or end each day recording the good things that happened that day.
- Look for gorgeous colors in your surroundings. That bright red cardinal out on your bird feeder, the interplay of tan and brown in your favorite jacket, the vivid orange of carrots and the jewel red of beets in your organic salad. Visual treats ping those happiness receptors in your brain. As do pretty sounds, lovely scents, delicious tastes – all the senses offering a feast of happiness-boosters every moment of every day. I can see beauty in a bowl of oatmeal. It just makes me happy.
- Touch and be touched. If you have a partner, give nightly footrubs while watching television…you’ll get as much out of giving the footrubs as he or she gets from them, and your relationship will strengthen with your nightly kindness. Hugs, hand-holding, touches on the arm, a kiss. Any touches will do. And you’ll start getting them right back.
- Unload your To-Do list. If you have dozens of them on papers all around your home or desk, compile them into one, and then cross off the unimportant things…or set a day or week to finally write those thank you notes for your holiday gifts, organize your closet, ask if anyone wants your never-going-to-use-them craft supplies. The emotional weight of undone things can take up space in your brain where happiness can otherwise set up a nice living space.
- Don’t take everything personally. A jab or cutting remark doesn’t have to deflate you for days. You can choose to chalk up that person’s negative comment to stress in her own life, and send her a prayer or vibes of well-being…then go on about your day. I know, this one’s hard – especially if you have a well-worn groove of hurt feelings from negative people in your life. So make this a dedicated practice for a while until you grow more strength in it.
- Don’t dwell. It took me a while to shake this one, and I still do it. So I asked my husband to gently point out when I’m complaining about the same thing for the third time. Deal with it once, maybe twice to glean the lesson from it, then practice letting it go until you get really good at it.
- Have realistic expectations. This one’s my favorite. I know holiday dinners will be chaotic, or that a big work project is going to take up my weekends. So I don’t spin my wheels with worry or complaints about last year’s holiday dinner. Expect that some things will be challenging and unchange-able, but I can use my happiness capacity tools to focus on the colors and scents of the foods I’m cooking, the intense concentration my baby niece puts into picking up her little bits of food with her fingers, the immense relief of having a dishwasher that works.
- Clock more time with others who have a capacity for happiness. Be a good friend to those with true problems, but make and keep lunch dates with your Annette Bening-esque friends, where laughter is on the menu, and you leave feeling brighter, lighter and happier.
Since we’re talking about relationships here, your happiness capacity practice will shine up your love life, and probably your sex life, too, since your partner will be profoundly grateful that you’re radiant with your enormous capacity for happiness. Your partner catches it from you, and your life together is just a happy circle for you and for everyone you love. So when your partner is asked what sealed the deal, what made you the One, and why you’re still the One, the answer may be, “She has an incredible capacity for happiness.”
