I’ve just finished reading Karen Armstrong’s brilliant book, 12 Steps To A Compassionate Life, and I’m so very glad that I am carrying her words of wisdom with me, especially at this time of year. The Holidays are an especially hard time for a lot of families who have experienced loss of one kind or another. As I was tootling around in my nice warm car the other da, dreaming about the wonderful gifts that I want to give to my friends and family (most of whom have more than they need,) I saw a homeless woman on a corner near to where I live in Hollywood, who looked too beaten down to even ask passer’s by for money. The temperature has suddenly dropped over the last few days in Los Angeles, and watching her pull a filthy, tattered sleeping bag over her shoulders, made me want to run home and grab all the spare comforters that I have in my attic, and give them to this unfortunate soul.In the rear view window, I saw my daughter staring at her too. Lola and I have many conversations (especially in the car,) about people who are less fortunate that us, and it always amazes me how deeply compassionate she is (or certainly, more so than I!)
I remember a man once staggering up to Lola and I on a busy street to ask if we could spare a dollar. He reeked of alcohol, so I quickly ripped a dollar note from my wallet and gave it to him. As we walked away, I muttered something to Lola about him going to spend it on more alcohol or drugs, and Lola said: “Doesn’t matter what he spends it on. If he needs alcohol to keep warm or drugs to make him happy, that’s what he needs and we shouldn’t judge him for that.” Bam! She put me right – I wasn’t saying that he shouldn’t go and get high, I was making an observation, which if I’m really honest, was a judgement. Lola picked right up on that and she put me right.
If there’s one thing I learn, and need to re-learn every single day, it’s the ability to be compassionate, and this is what Karen Armstrong’s entire book is about. Karen explains that we need to re-frame compassion in that it’s not pity, because pity comes from a place of the better me looking down on the sad you. Compassion is rather about deep empathy where I actually try to empathize with your suffering on a deep and humble level. This is easier said than done, but what I can do is use my imagination to to to understand what it might be like to live in that person’s shoes – to experience their specific suffering. It’s not necessarily about me trying to make it better either, it’s more about me allowing a space for the suffering to be there, and to want with every fiber of my being, for it to heal.
Karen Armstrong is a brilliant theologian, who understands that the one thing that unites all religions is compassion, and that our daily work is simply to live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others what you would have them do to you. The Golden Rule is so simple and yet so difficult to put into practice 24/7. It’s also way easier to practice out there in the world, than it is in our own little universe of family, friends, and co-workers. This is the time of year when families can press buttons that can have us want to retaliate, but as Karen points out, it’s the little compassionate changes that we make in our own backyards, that are the most important. She gives new meaning to the ubiquitous quote, “Be The Change You Want To See In The World.” So, what’s “the change” that I want to be this Holiday season? I want to slow down so that I can treat my family and friends with more patience. When I pile too much into a day, I can get irritated with those who are nearest and dearest to me (compassionate wife and Mom fly out the window!). So, I’m putting it out there: If I want to see less irritation and impatience int he world, I’m going to have to learn to practice it at home first.
Oh, and I now have a spare comforter in the back of my car in case I should happen upon this lady with the tattered sleeping bag, or any other unfortunate soul who has lost their way. Sure, I’m gonna need about 80 comforters as I tool around, however, I have to remind myself that ONE change can make a difference.
