Warning: A high level of cynicism is present in this piece.
I’ve been internet dating again, and no I’m not just going to moan about the lack of good, intelligent men available out there. I am however going to express my shock at how many married men are on these sites looking for a bit of action on the side.
I knew it was happening obviously, I’m not that naïve, but the extent of it is blowing my mind. I think every guy who’s contacted me in the last couple of weeks has been blatantly married or lying about it. Some of it is mild, like the Indian doctor who simply wanted to kiss like teenagers on the couch. He called me to see if he could come over to my apartment that night just to kiss; I hadn’t even met the guy yet, so I suggested a public place to meet first. No he’s too shy to make out in a public place (who said I’m going to make out with you at a first meeting dude?) and he has relatives staying at his place so we can’t go there. (Suspicious!) This guy persisted with suggestions throughout the day culminating in seriously asking if he could pick me up and drive somewhere quiet to make out in the car! (Er nice try dipshit, I’m not 15!)
Then there’s the consummate businessmen organizing a quickie, ‘why don’t you come and meet me at my office after hours, there’s a comfortable couch here’. (Ever heard of an escort agency mate?) Or the slightly more upscale version ‘why don’t we meet for drinks, we can always get a hotel room if the mood strikes.’ Oh really?
It used to be that any guy saying ‘discreet’ or lacking a profile photo was bound to be married, but nowadays they’re getting way bolder with whole selections of photos to advertise their bored married arses!
It’s seriously making me cynical about marriage, especially after honest conversations with some of these guys who are admitting ‘look we’re guys, we just want to eat, sleep and f*#&!’
Thank god I know that’s just surface bravado or I’d never respect men ever again.
When I’ve bothered to talk to the less douchey ones out of sheer curiosity I’ve found they’re genuinely nice seeming guys whose wives went off sex after the kids were born. They’ve been to couples counseling and tried everything they can think of to bring sex back into their marriages, to no avail. For some of them it’s been years without sex, but get this – it’s NOT the sex they miss. When you really get them to admit the truth all they want is the intimacy and affection. They want to be seen, listened to and cared about – not hard to understand – every human being needs it.
Sometimes don’t we all need to be held and cuddled and spooned and taken care of even if it’s only for a few minutes? I can’t understand why someone hasn’t set up ‘Rent a Hug’ shops in the high street yet. I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t pay for a decent hug when life’s getting her down. 5 minutes of hugging from a big strong man can fix anything.
Well guess what? Every man I’ve asked says, ‘We need hugs too!’
Touch is so important in our lives, why have we forgotten that? We’ve steadily created a world of touch-starved stressed adults when there’s a very simple remedy. Instinctively we all stroke a distressed animal, or caress and hold an upset child right? So why not do the same for a frazzled adult? Why have we trained ourselves to accept that a stressed child just needs comforting, but a stressed adult needs medicine?
That’s crazy.
Unfortunately ladies, these stressed men who are busy providing for their families find themselves so starved of touch and attention they’ll take it in whatever simplistic form they can get it, including bent over a desk apparently!
Sadly ladies you may need to pay more attention, because in this internet era it’s never been easier for the old saying to be true.
‘If you’re not shagging your husband, somebody else is.’
Jo Wharmby is a Sex Educator, Writer and Performer, who’s determined to make men better lovers!
